Recently, I’ve had friends blog and Tweet about the support of breastfeeding anywhere, anytime, and without covering up (I lurv those friends, this post isn’t about them). Then this section of a KSL.com article got some pretty feisty comments on their Facebook page and I couldn’t keep from saying something about the ruckus.
Cover it up!
Nursing mothers should avoid breastfeeding uncovered around others. Ottley said she is a huge proponent of breastfeeding, having breastfed four children herself, but there’s a way it can be done in public without making others feel uncomfortable. In public places, or when others besides your significant other and children will be around (and maybe your sisters and mom), figure out the best way to cover yourselves and do it, please.
I’m a little appalled by the way most of the proponents chose to defend their opinion. However, I DO believe they have the right, and it’s necessary, to voice their opinion; but wish they would do so politely.
Oh, wait. But they don’t want to be polite. They want to do whatever they want, whenever they want, and however they want with no regard for those around them; everyone else should mind their own business and get over it. That IS pretty much the gist of what their argument is about when all that was said was “cover up, please.”
Here is the comment I posted, trying to explain why some prefer not to see uncovered public breastfeeding (not trying to change anyone’s mind about how they should feel about it… I understand their POV, why can’t they understand, not agree, the opposing view?):
My opinion: I agree with the writer for suggesting that it’s polite to cover up while breast feeding in public.
It’s polite to fart away from people. It’s polite to wipe food from outside your mouth with a napkin. It’s polite to pull up your pants so your butt crack isn’t showing. It’s polite to cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. These are all natural things that pretty much everyone does that society has deemed appropriate behavior even though it’s legal to fart wherever you want, leave food on your face, wear your pants down low and cough or sneeze without catching it.
The issue isn’t that the baby is being FED, of COURSE the baby should be fed at anytime that it needs food.
Breast feeding is WONDERFULLY BEAUTIFUL… so is French kissing but it’s generally not done blatantly in public because it’s polite to go somewhere private to do so. Is that a better analogy?
I’m not saying that breastfeeding is like or comparable to those acts (maybe I should have said metaphor or simile; perhaps I’ll be studying a dictionary later). I’m saying that we have public behavior and private behavior. I believe we should conduct ourselves based on the circumstance. We are quiet in a library, we can yell in a park. You dress up for the red carpet, wear sweats at home while watching TV. The dog has to have a leash in town, but at home he’s free to roam.
For crying out loud I’m not saying that feeding a baby is like being in a library, going out to somewhere fancy, watching TV, or a DOG.
If I were to travel to Japan, I would find out what the customs are and do my best to respect their culture; remove my shoes upon entering their house, bow to the elders with respect, use chopsticks instead of a fork (I can do it, it just gets a little messy sometimes).
There were some rude things also said about/to the author of the article on that Facebook page. Without KNOWING the author or commentors, here are some comment snips:
- breastfeeding mothers… have to deal with this type of hate on them?
- If someone is so twisted that an innocent baby eating offends them, THEY should cover their head with a blanket. Smarten up and CHANGE YOUR ARTICLE!
- That’s just daft and an example of poor writing.
- It is articles like this that help continue the dismal breastfeeding rates… we make them feel like exhibitionists or morally inept… while in the presence of anybody other than their dog in the dark of their homes with the shades drawn! It’s absurd! Please stop letting your issues with the human body jeopardize the health of any mothers and babies by putting out such irresponsible and ignorant articles!
- we are more comfortable seeing breasts when they are airbrushed and sexualized in print or film, rather than fulfilling their original purpose
- …illogical sexual undertone to process of feeding an infant at the breast while at the same time encouraging our preteen girls to dress provocatively and allowing TV shows to sexualize nearly everything!
- Dear [Author]: PLEASE put a bag or a blanket over YOUR head while YOU are eating!
- to the author, if you wanted to broadcast your anti-breasts agenda, why try to hide it in a piece about pregnancy? It didn’t work anyway.
- positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms!
- hiring etiquette writers who have an education and are able to demonstrate a familiarity with their topic
- a healthy number of lulzy prudes squabbling with them. Pathetic. Sad. As pathetic as hiring some ditz who, going by her blog, struggles with some pretty basic rules of English, and pretending that this person has some useful insight into culture.
- holy fragglenuggets! get some HELP
- (To a commentor) I hope you someday realise how sick you are before someone has to shoot you like a rabid dog.
- I believe the etiquette expert should apologize to everyone she has offended.
- Maybe they could use a real expert this time.
This afternoon I visited with a couple who I’ve known for over ten years. It seems that we believe almost the opposite of each other of most taboo subjects (politics, religion, sex), yet we love each other very, very much. We talked about how our written words can get lost in our meaning or intent. Without seeing the face that’s saying it, or hearing the tone, the words are interpreted however the reader hears it in their head. Our desire to get to the point and avoid the fluff gets the three of us in trouble sometimes. What we say in a few sentences takes others paragraphs of filler because we’re to-the-point and they’re side-stepping to avoid hurting feelings (which does not mean I like to hurt feelings).
“I kicked the dog,” said in a soft tone, slight down tilt of the lips, and an emphasis on kicked to denote shock or sorrow (as in it-was-an-accident and I didn’t see the dog under my feet) is written the same but meant entirely different from “I kicked the dog,” said with a scowl, gritted teeth, and an emphasis on I to denote pride in the act (because the guy is a jerk).
Although this post is all about public breastfeeding, I really meant for it to be about the way we disagree and conduct discussions on differing opinion.
And to bouy my emotions back to a regular level (and probably give me a little justification that I’m not twisted), I’ll share this snip from someone who wrote to me about the other commentors vs. my comment:
Absolutely shocked. And saddened. I realize opinions always open the door to criticism, but I greatly admire a woman who can express that criticism in a respectful and courteous way.
Agreed.
P.S. Remember, keep comments classy, folks :)
{ 18 comments }
I have quickly discovered that the internet (just like the world) is going to hell. Seriously. There are the most rude and inconsiderate people online. I have stopped commenting on many blogs because I don’t want the wave of aftermath from these ignorant,, rude, and totally selfish people coming to my inbox. I try to love all people, I really do, but some people make it so hard. As I have learned to be healthier, I have learned I don’t need internet drama in my life. I would rather take these people on face to face..but it probably won’t happen because I think they sit online all day waiting to pounce. They are also cowards.
Good points! IMHO, it is usually a lack of maturity that makes people unwilling to be considerate of others when they make extremely rude comments online. Then there is this culture of being offended that has cropped up in our society- like being offended means people should bow to your every whim. Once again, I say – grow up, people!
I wrote about this subject a while back – not breastfeeding, but how internet anonymity brings out the worst in people. I wondered if what we say when anonymous is actually the “real us”. Is it an opportunity to drop the nice act?
As for breastfeeding, I prefer a compromise. There aren’t a lot of great places to breastfeed. I hate the mothers’ lounge. There are two comfy chairs – otherwise you’re stuck sitting on the floor or on a metal chair, then someone comes into the tiny room to change a toddler’s poopy diaper and it smells awful. There isn’t a changing area in the bathroom. Sometimes I would sit on a couch instead and cover up the best I could, but eventually my babies flail around, making it impossible to keep the blanket on them. If you wear the right top though, you can nurse pretty discreetly.
Years ago I went to the strangest wedding celebration and this woman wearing no bra just pulled her shirt up on the dance floor to nurse her 9-month-old. I thought that was over the top. I think an attempt to nurse discreetly is a good compromise.
One of my cousins has lived in different countries and he thought it was the weirdest thing that I cover up to nurse. He said, “The US is the only place where women do that.” Yeah, well when I was in Austria, I watched a group of 13-year-old boys run across a park to look at a lady who had taken her shirt off to breastfeed, so I’m comfortable with a more modest approach. Supposedly nudity meant nothing to them over there. Uh huh. :)
On breastfeeding: I agree with the original author. I think it is respectful to others to cover up. Personally, I don’t want my husband to stand uncomfortably watching another woman breastfeed her baby. Now, if she wants to go ahead but it is just courteous, I believe.
On classy comments: someone called me “white, ethnocentric and from Utah” yesterday on a FB thread I did not like it one bit.
I agree! Comments are so mean these days. It’s so hard to know what people’s tones are, and what their meaning actually is.
I agree that it is respectful of women to cover up while breast feeding. I also agree that it’s shameful that a woman’s body has been sexualized so much that breast-feeding is sometimes taboo. Yes, an infant has the right to eat whenever and wherever he/she needs to. But everyone also has the right to feel comfortable in public too. Just my thoughts.
I don’t find a lot of mean comments on the blogs I read. That may say more about the blogs I read than the commenters. Regardless, I agree about polite breast feeding :-)
Ok so I never read blogs much less comment anymore because if we’re friends (really truly), I’ll text you when I feel like it or email you too if I ever have time between work full time, 4 kids, husband, dog with his nads just cut off, missing caps from back teeth, and pregancy extreme exhaustion, but (and yes, I freaking breastfeed my kids although my comment has NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT either), i absolutely agree with you. I can’t even have discussions anymore with most people about appropriateness because it ends up becoming a ridiculous conversation in which I am suppose to agree with them in order to end it. Anyway, I’d also like to point out (or maybe stretch this a little) to include the fact that offense seems to go FAR beyond even the comment section …
I want to have lunch with a small group my REALLYREALLYREALLYCLOSE friends. If I don’t happen to invite someone else that knows all of us or that is friends with all of us, all of a sudden I have shamed them (somehow – although I still just don’t get how) or I’ve basically stated that we aren’t friends or I am “pointedly” ignoring them. Really? It’s not like I told you to F-Off (which is what you know I’d do if I honestly didn’t want to be friends with you). I just wanted to coordinate eating with 4 people and not trying to please over 20+.
I know I’ve usurped your post as a vent, but I’ve been able to go out to lunch with friends a total of 1 time in almost 6 months simply due to my insane job and commuting schedule and got unfriended by about 15 people. Wow was all I thought. It’s cool with me because you know I don’t really “roll” well with people like that anyway, but if you could write me a really elegant post about it that I can use every single time I want to hang out with 2-3 people and not 50+ who think that we’re besties because I know them and they can read insights into my life online (which i’ve also stopped posting because of the ridiculous nature of this), I would appreciate it.
And back to your blog post … :)
i nursed in public often but tried to go to a quiet place and always covered up. there are a lot of people who feel like they need to make an overt statement about breastfeeding by showing their boobs. ladies! we are not oppressed here! feed your baby, cover up, and let’s all move on.
amen.
I think how a woman chooses to breastfeed is her business. I can say that as a mom who breastfed two babes in Texas heat, smothering my kid under a blanket wasn’t feasible. Besides, half the time the rigamarole of getting the blanket situated and getting the kid settled brought more attention to us than if I just quietly popped the kid on the boob and took care of business. I don’t think we ever offended anyone and if we did, well, not much I can do about it now. Besides, I see crap everyday that totally trumps the boob in offensiveness.
Stinkin’ return button! I was going to say, however, that I totally agree with you about how rude people are with comments. I used to read articles and scan to the bottom and look at comments and now I can’t do it. It just makes me sad that people are so mean. We are all different with different beliefs, but that doesn’t mean we have the right to be nasty and disrespectful. And it is so hard raising your kids to be polite and respectful in a climate like this.
I think it all boils down to being respectful for one another. Remember how that cute Texan stepped aside for you in the store and how you melted? It was all about respect–both in words AND actions.
I agree that anger and hatred have no place in stating opinions. it only makes the person look bad who is opining. (is that a word?) as for breastfeeding in public – i have seen many a friends nipple on accident as their baby pulls off to look somewhere random. funny with a friend – not so funny with a lady in church. breasts in our country are considered ‘private parts’. i believe our country has a totally warped image of women and that our bodies are purely sexual things and that is messed up, but i also agree with modesty – nursing or not.
Well said Shannon!
Well- having not known you exist until today, I have to say brava! Thank you for your article and thank you as well for the list of comments, some of which I hadn’t seen yet (still sting a bit). I guess it’s all about opinions and being respectful. It was just that, an opinion, I wasn’t trying to tell anyone what to do, just asking. Thank you again for your article, it was funny, witty, and well written, and that’s coming from someone with apparently no education, no experience, and no business doing what I do!
interesting. I’m one hundred percent with the nursing mothers. nurse wherever you want and don’t feel like you have to cover your poor baby with a sheet or blanket or whatever. there is nothing inappropriate about breastfeeding in public. nothing.
Comments are out of control in public places, especially at the end of news stories. It’s so ridiculous that whatever the topic is, somehow people will turn it into something it’s not. Like, a story about a mine collapsing, and before very long people are weaving these conspiracy theories about how it’s all the democrats/republicans fault. Or the mine collapsed because the miners were a minority group and fate is racist. Blows my mind.
As for breastfeeding, I was way too shy to do it in public with my first child but now with baby #2 I don’t really care. I don’t shout out about it, and if I’m in mixed company I usually cover up. But sitting in a secluded corner (though not hidden) or at something with all girls? I just breastfeed and don’t make a big deal about it. No one else has either.
As a male over 53 years old, a father of 8 and grandfather of 9, and a professional who has performed innumerable interviews in homes over the years, and a frequent traveller and very frequent church goer, what I have seen runs the gamut of all possibilities. I grew up with a mother who nursed my 5 younger siblings, and so I have been quite used to seeing a nursing mother, and a productive nipple. There are an infinite number of places to look other than at a nursing woman, so if it bothers you, look toward one of those other places. If you feel guilty because you know you’re a perv who really really wants to see that nipple, shame on you. Take your peek, then look elsewhere and abuse yourself later on, your loss, burn in hell, you hypocrite.
I think the most beautiful thing in the world is a nursing mother. I have had mothers pull it out and latch on right in front of me as I am asking them questions related to my profession, and neither of us missed a beat. I have been on airplanes and had mothers in the seat next to me nurse, then I held the baby and burped it while they got readjusted. No problem here. Anything I can do to help. I have seen women struggling with blankets and hooter hiders and whatever else is in vogue today and wonder why they bother. But, alas, I am but one non-threatening grey headed male, I cannot change the world. But if you are asking me, I don’t mind a bit. Go ahead and feed that bundle of joy, you have every right, and not all men are alike.
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