[warning: rant to follow]
When do you decide that enough is enough with your kid’s elementary school? How far is too far? Where is the line? What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
I am NOT an educator (that’s the schools job). I have NOT been taught how to teach (that’s what teachers go to college for). I do NOT profess to know how a school should run (that’s why we have education professionals).
I am just a mom who wants her kidlets to have a consistently positive learning experience around other kids who behave decently. Is that too much to ask? I guess it might.
We can’t change the language that a third grader brings to teach my non-cursing children. Yes, I KNOW that’s going to happen, but it happens a LOT (especially younger) and it’s disgusting even though people may say/feel that it’s “just how it is these days.”
How about NO, that is NOT how it is going to be these days. How about we all agree that there is a NO CURSING policy at all elementary schools? Wouldn’t EVERYONE that is a parent to elementary students agree to that? Even cussing families, don’t you think they could agree that 5-11 year old kids should refrain from dropping the F-bomb at school? My third grader came home with a discipline form because he was caught passing a note in class that read (spelled correctly), “You s__ g__ f__ a___.” These are words he has NEVER heard/read outside of school. A kid in his class giggled and told him what to write. Yeah, my kid didn’t know better to not listen. Peer pressure… sigh.
How about we all agree that there will be no TOUCHING each other at school? Just a flat out rule that everyone is supposed to follow just like the rule that they are not supposed to walk on the grass (and they don’t). This would eliminate chasing, shoving, groping, pulling, poking, scratching, etc. Today my guy came home with ANOTHER deep scratch (his neck this time) from a girl in his class. This is the third in 10 days (arm and wrist were the other two), bad enough they needed Neosporin and bandaging (they’re bigger than a Band-Aid size). He’s had issues with kids on the bus harassing him (we drove him to/from school for a week then when he went back he sat in a different area) and girls kicking him in the shins (I think he handled that one by taking them aside and telling them it hurt a lot and would they please stop doing it and they did).
I’m trying NOT to go Momma Bear on the situation. I want him to stand up for himself and know how to talk to the authorities when something is wrong (he’s told her to stop, that’s not working). He’s supposed to go to the principal tomorrow and explain that he’s being hurt and would like it to stop. The nice thing is that he’s pretty docile and non-confrontational with people (who aren’t his parents), but that works against him when he’s getting picked on and treated unkindly.
The trick is that this stuff does NOT happen in Boy Scouts, Sunday School or at other people’s houses… just at school.
I KNOW teachers have a lot of work for little pay. I KNOW that kids will be kids. I KNOW that my kid is not an angel and contributes to an unruly classroom. I KNOW that the adults at school can’t monitor EVERYTHING that goes on. I KNOW that sometimes a class/group of kids can be impossible to manage because they are just like that. I believe that the teachers and other personnel at the school are doing their best to do what is right.
He says he doesn’t have friends at school, everyone is mean to him, he doesn’t feel like he fits in, etc. This. Breaks. A. Mother’s. Heart. And it makes me think about switching school’s or (ack) home schooling (ugh).
I DON’T want to home school but I don’t want my kid getting harassed and feel like a loser either. I DON’T want to get involved in a document trail of he-said-she-said (the principal is WAY into documenting every detail, I’m not so I feel unarmed).
How do I teach my children how to stand up for themselves without being disrespectful (not all adults are right or should be trusted, maybe the adult didn’t ask the right questions or believes the wrong person) or getting in trouble for doing it (if a kid hits mine but mine blocks or pushes to avoid then mine gets in trouble)? What is a kid supposed to do when someone else won’t stop being annoying?
{ 19 comments }
Ugh! That is so hard. My son had major trouble with a little boy last year in Kindergarten. I had to meet with his teacher and school counselor, then later on he comes home and says the boy told him at recess to call a girl a “d*mn b****”. I wrote to his teacher and asked, “Do you guys need volunteers on the playground? I would be happy to come every day.” She then called wrote back something like, “Mom, I understand. We want him to report these things.” The problem is, he fears retaliation and the school is so focused on “peace building”, they don’t stand up for themselves either.
I have told my kids they are required to be nice to other kids. If bullies are bothering them, they need to do their best to steer clear. If that doesn’t work, if someone violates them or causes them physical harm, they have my permission to slug the kid even if it means getting in trouble. I will stand behind them and homeschool them if I have to, but I want them to do their best to assert themselves. It’s so hard.
Been there, done that. This year in fact, with my 5th grader. There’s a known bully in his class who had targeted my son for whatever reason and was making his school day miserable. What worked for us? Reporting it to the Teacher and copying the Principal. The school counselor was called in, and while the bullying child stopped harassing my son, he turned his attention on someone else until he was suspended from school for violence on a classmate.
Never apologize for being involved in your child’s life–especially where safety is concerned.
These are the things that worry me the most about school. What’s it going to be like for my daughter? Bullying is just getting worse. It was hard enough when I was growing up, but it is just getting really bad. My dad and step-mom just pulled my little sister out of her school (it was a private school!) because not only were the kids bullying her, but the teachers were humiliating her in front of the other students too! It was so bizarre. They were able to start her on a really great online program that has personal teachers and a lot of good help. Then they go to homeschool groups 2 or 3 times a week with a bunch of other kids for art and science. That way they all get good socialization. It seems to be working really well for her.
Whatever you decide to do, I just hope that your little man will feel welcome and happy. I hope you can get his principal and teachers to work with you on this. It’s just so unbelievable that these things are allowed to happen.
Shannon,
I went thru the same things in school. It is horrible. I got beaten up so many times, and, yes, I do think schools are getting worse. Not to mention that the level of academics is plummeting faster than Obama’s approval rates.
The thing that I wonder is why everyone views homeschooling as such a terrible freakish thing? The kids that I have met thru homeschooling events are courteous, super-friggin smart, and hard workers.
The scriptures teach us that our children are our inheritance. Modern revelation says “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. … Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations. ”
What other reason are we placed on this earth?
It kills me when I hear,”Oh. I can’t wait for summer to be over and my kids can go back to school” I would hate losing 8 hours a day of time with my kids. They are going to grow up and leave the house way too soon as it is.
It is OUR responsibility to teach our children. (MY opinion) not a heartless government institution. Do you want to endow your morals on your children or the schools morals?
Homeschool is NOT hard. If you condense a school day down to pure learning time, it’s maybe 4 hours. How much time does everyone spend fighting with their kids at night to get their homework done? 2,3,4 hours?
Did you get a college education? Yes, then why couldn’t you teach your kids 2+2, 2×2, etc? Nobody knows your kids and how they learn more than the parents. 1:1 sure beats 30:1 at a school.
There are sooo many homeschool groups that provide education, friendship and fun, that you could go to 2 per day every day of the week. There is even a LDS homeschool network! http://www.waldsfe.org (WA lds family eductors)
I think that so many people send their kids to school, because that is what happened to them. But if they sat down and analyzed the pros/ cons of public vs. home education that a lot more people would clearly choose home school.
bullies vs. moms love
1 on 1 teaching vs 30 to one
3-4 hours a day vs. 8-10
Happy kids vs. Kids on anti-depressants
Free to go where ever when ever vs, being tied down by the school schedule.
Your families morals vs those of the state.
hands on education vs, sitting in a classroom all day
kind words vs F-bombs
Kids directing their own path of learning vs being told what they will learn
…. can I keep going?
What I say to everyone is, sit down educate yourselves as to what homeschooling can offer, then evaluate what public school does. then make a conscious choice.
Oh and transferring to another school won’t help ’cause it’s the same crap everywhere.
[now THAT was a rant!] :)
For boys especially, sometimes the only way is to stand up for yourself. Don’t throw the first punch, but certainly you should be allowed to defend yourself.
I wanted to see what other people commented.
I have not had experience with my kids being bullied, but my good friend has. What I have learned that just as the bullied have unresolved issues to be resolved, the bullied need to be armed with tools on how to deal with bullies.
My friend got the most help from the school counselor. She ended up having to take her son to counseling to learn some life coping skills, but I am sure there are plenty of kids out there who are bullied and don’t necessarily need counseling.
I would never ever hesitate to go to the school. Start keeping records of everything. It will just take two minutes every day after school. Use the school counselor. I think you will find that they will be extremely more helpful than any teacher or administration. If you don’t really want to homeschool; don’t. Figure out what you need to do to make the school work. Don’t give up. Go to the superintendent if necessary, but also be open to listening to what your kid might need without being defensive.
We have been very fortunate to have a wonderful new principal at our school this year who takes a VERY active roll with stuff like this. Jake called and talked to him about an incident that occurred with our daughter and some boys who were harassing her. He called back less than 15 minutes later and had already talked to them in his office. Now that’s what I call proactive. Of course, she still struggles with things but we try very hard to give her the tools she needs to cope with people like that. Let’s face it, bullying doesn’t stop after you graduate. There are still mean grown ups out there that you might be forced to interact with as an adult. It is easier to deal with it as a grown up because you usually know by then who you are and what you are willing to put up with. It’s a tough call as a parent…what works for one kid/family isn’t always the best thing for everyone.
Britanny, you make a great point, one that I think supports homeschooling very well.
“There are still mean grown ups out there that you might be forced to interact with as an adult. It is easier to deal with it as a grown up because you usually know by then who you are and what you are willing to put up with. ”
And you are better equipped. Kids are delicate and need some time to become who they are and be comfortable with their own beliefs and values.
I wonder why we, as a society, think that it is time to ship their kids of to school at age 4 or 5? that is no where near enough tie for them to solidify themselves. There is a school out here that has programs for 1 month olds!
Why not keep our kids by our sides a little longer and teach them a little more before throwing them out to the wolves?
All great comments!! We actually had more problems with girls picking on our son in 4th grade than anything else.
He also had a hard time sticking up for himself.
It was a great opportunity for us to work with him and hopefully teach him how to stand up for himself before he got into secondary schools where it was even rougher.
NEVER stop advocating for your child…. You are the only mom he has! You should have the support from the professionals in his life… don’t stop until someone actually will pay attention.
I might go “mamma bear” for my 27 year old to this day, if needed! (WOW i hope that never happens!!!!)
Anywho, he is pretty well adjusted and doin great!
The best advice is PRAY PRAY PRAY
You are in the right so why would anyone think you are wrong?!
I could write this post (though I didn’t of course) about my son. Kids can be so brutal and bullying is real, scary and wrong. The schools aren’t doing the right things or enough to remedy the problem. I am where you are — ready to pull my son out and explore alternative education if things keep up like they have since we moved here.
And that would be a few reasons why I am planning to homeschool my kiddos when I have them. They can share activities with kids in schools, but they will be away from this as long as I can afford to do it.
I considered homeschooling, but after serious praying, knew that it was best for Jooj to attend the school she is attending. Home school does have many advantages, but is not necessarily the best fit for all children–just as public or private is not the best fit for all children. I would hate to see you take such a major step in his education out of desperation. I think that the first step may be to remove as many of the situations as possible: can you pick him up, instead of busing or volunteer as a lunch monitor?
**As a side note, I take serious umbrage to the comment that home school eliminates the need for anti-depressants. As a person who has struggled with clinical depression since the age of 12, no amount of any type of schooling could have repaired my mixed-up chemistry. While situational depression may improve with changed circumstances, it is highly irresponsible to diagnose a child yourself. Parents who have a depressed child need to have them evaluated by a medical professional in order to determine if there is a chemical imbalance. To suggest that a change of scenery is the cure for depression is insulting to all who struggle with this illness every day.
This really ticks me off. He’s adorable. How dare those bullies mess with him.
Is it a specific bully/group? If so, is there a way to speak with the parents? I know that if ever my child were accused of being a bully, I’d be all over it and make sure she stopped it, if it came out she was.
School is a game of survivor…it is not easy. Our kids need us, and we should never, ever apologize for battling for them.
Hope it gets better soon.
No umbrage was meant.
Depression is a real problem for a lot of people. I being one of them. So I know what you are saying. I did not say that homeschool eliminates the need for anti-depressants. I merely wanted to convey that home is a safer and more caring place. Also I was referring to the fact that the amount of prescriptions being issued to children is increasing drastically and the age at which they are administered in dropping. A change of scenery will definitely not fix the problem. But not letting them become so stressed out in the first place might.
It is important to us that children learn to navigate institutions, which is one of the main reasons we do not homeschool. Problems do not always go away with homeschooling. Also, I work, and my husband, ironically, teaches other public school children. As much as I love the idea of spending time with my children side-by-side learning, it’s not realistic for us and I don’t think either one of us would make good teachers for them. We’re comfortable being the backup and educational reinforcers.
Our bullying experience happened not in school, but in the neighborhood. It took a year and a half of urging our son to stand up for himself, teaching him how to fight back, helping his self-esteem, talking with the parents, trying to find solutions, and in culmination, my husband unloading on one family. We haven’t really had problems since he set off a social nuclear bomb down the street.
So that’s my recommendation: set off a bomb. You’re a forceful, immovable object. You are his best advocate. Raise Cain until something changes.
I went through much of the same things with a couple of my kids. My oldest boy was suspended from 3rd grade for a day because he wrote the most foul swear word there is on a classroom window. When I asked him why he wrote it, he asked, “What does it even mean?!” 2 other boys had spelled it out for him and he was a follower, wanting to be their friend. We did all we could to instill self-confidence in him and help him to understand what real friends are like – that they don’t get you into trouble or make you feel stupid. It took a few years but he eventually became a very confident kid who doesn’t let anything or anyone bother him. He also stands up for kids who are bullied, even in minor ways – like people talking about them behind their backs.
My 10-year-old daughter had kids who made fun of her because she has a dark birthmark above her eye. She became the brunt of their jokes and was constantly ridiculed. She finally told me what was going on because I asked – and I spoke with her teacher about it. I also told her what to say (or not to say) to stand up to these kids who just liked putting someone else down to make themselves feel better. It has improved but we are still working on it. The biggest help has been for her to find someone to hang out with during recess (often her ally is her little sister) – they seem to leave her alone when she’s with someone else.
I am so sorry that your boy has to deal with this kind of crap. As someone who was bullied in elementary and middle school I have a hard time not stomping onto the playground and giving those kids a good talking-to myself. What I’d really like to do is talk to the parents of the bullies. Are they aware of their kids’ behavior? And if so, why are they allowing it?
Anyway. I’ll stop.
I have an education degree and everything I learned, know, and have seen tells me that this should NEVER be happening in any classroom, at any age.
My brother had similar problems in elementary and middle school. He was built big and there was one small boy in particular that always picked on him and got away with it because the teachers and principals assumed my brother was always at fault since he was larger (he’s a big teddy bear in reality).
So….after going the rounds with the teacher, and then with the principal my mom took things into her own hands when it didn’t improve. She informed the principal that either she or my dad would be sitting in the school parking lot during every recess to observe what was happening. Suddenly the playground monitor and teachers started watching too and opened their eyes to what was really happening.
And, I do believe having a presence in the school helps too–if the kids know your face they’ll be less likely to do something that will make you upset.
P.S. Does your district have a non-bullying policy? Ours adopted one this year and a police officer has been going to each school presenting anti-bullying assemblies (age appropriate for each group). He talked about what qualifies as bullying and what to do if you or a friend is being bullied–beginning with asking the person to please stop because you don’t appreciate it all the way to going to the principal if it continues. If your district doesn’t have one in place you should email the superintendant and school board members requesting one and cc the principal (maybe he/she will finally take you seriously). If you don’t get a good response then go to the school board meetings and bring it up.
Fight for right. You know it’s not just your child, other kids are experiencing it too. Be a force for good in your community. You can make a difference! (Sounds cheesy, but I really believe this.)
Caleb, it was not my intention to support either. I do however strongly believe that kids should be taught to deal with these kinds of situations. Simply homeschooling to avoid them is not the solution–except in extreme circumstances.
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